Fiction: Noisy Neighbor

“Maddie! You’ve just gotten here and already you look like it’s time to go home. What’s the matter?”

“Emily, I hardly got a wink of sleep last night. You remember how I’ve told you about that old lady who lives next door to me? The widow?”

“Yes?”

“The one who always turns up her radio, or turns up her TV because she’s half deaf and can’t hear it. Well, I’ll tell you this! Everyone else in the building can hear her radio or her TV.”

“Oh, dear. Was she at it again last night?”

“I’m telling you! She’d been up and down with it throughout the evening, and I’d have to bang a little on the wall. ‘Mrs. Kevitz!’ I’d yell. ‘Mrs. Kevitz! Turn that racket down over there!’ And just as I’m settling in and going to sleep, I’m getting Danny Thomas yelling at his bratty son on a rerun of that old Make Room for Daddy!”

“Oh!”

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Fiction: Accept Our Condolences

Marla started working her way through the pile of mail that the girls had been stacking up on the end table. It was mostly sympathy cards, of course. The electric bill, punctual as always. A reminder from her dentist that it was time for her checkup – as if she cared about her teeth after losing the man she’d loved. And an envelope bearing the name of a local law firm. She opened it.

“Dear Mrs. Furst:

“Please accept our condolences on the sudden death of your husband, Jacob. He was quite pleasant to know and we were pleased to have done some work for him shortly before his death.

“Enclosed is a bill for services we rendered before his untimely demise, in the matter of the divorce proceedings he was about to initiate. Needless to say, these arrangements had not been completed, nor had he finalized his new will to include his son, Samuel, by Ms. Torie Champel, whom he was planning to marry at a later date. She has retained our services and you may expect to hear from us again regarding that matter and Samuel’s share in the estate.

“All payments are due 30 days after the date on the invoice.

“Again, we are sorry for your loss.

“Sincerely…”

Fiction: Easter Bunny

Nothing like getting up for sunrise Easter services to make for a long day, Ruth thought. It wasn’t such a problem even a few years ago, but now…

Her niece, Clio, and Clio’s husband and two girls came over to take her to church. As always, the service was beautiful, although Ruth was a little distracted.

They went back to Clio’s home afterward for a big brunch and the children explored the goodies in their Easter baskets. Clio drove her Aunt Ruth home about 1 p.m.

“You’re a little quiet today, Aunt Ruth,” Clio said, keeping her eyes on the street.

“Am I? Well, perhaps.”

“I know; it’s not the same.”

Ruth smiled a little. “Nothing is ever the same, dear. Even in our most carefully practiced traditions, something changes, whether large or small.” She sighed. “This latest change, though, is harder to get used to. The hardest one since Mother and then Father died. I’d had years of small changes, or of exciting changes, like your girls coming along. Losing Esther…” She trailed off.

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Fiction: Corner Pocket

Jeff stared as the second hand on his watch ticked away another hour, winding his mind tighter and tighter.

There was a morbid fascination with watching the seconds of one’s life tick away irrevocably. People did it in all sorts of ways, not realizing that was what they were doing: microwave oven timers, a New Year’s Eve countdown. Whenever someone would say something like, “I’ll see you in two weeks,” what it really meant was, “When two more weeks of my life are over, then I’ll see you.” When someone said, “I wish it was the weekend already,” it meant, “I have no use for the days of my life between now and then.”

Every deadline, every scheduled event was a way of keeping track of more of life going by.

Jeff was entering the fourth hour of watching the second hand grind away the moments of his life. There would not be a fifth.

And what, really, was the difference between watching the time tick by on a wristwatch and what his mother and grandmother were doing? They had gone to the church to pray, and they had doubtless been saying the rosary for as long as Jeff had been watching his watch.

The results would be the same.

Few had seriously considered a threat from the stars. That was the stuff of science fiction. And politicians define as “a waste of money” anything that doesn’t immediately pay off for them personally. Thus, no deep space early warning system, and no countermeasures for asteroids taking aim at humanity’s only home.

This one was special, too: it wasn’t going to hit the Earth. Not directly. It was going to hit the back side of the moon at just the right angle to smash it and rain continent-sized missiles down on the planet.

Jeff continued to stare at his watch. After the long vigil, it finally read 6:18.

This, the scientists said, would be the moment of impact in orbit.

Only moments to go now, Jeff knew. And he sat in his home, shut away from the praying and the crying and the screaming, watching the second hand of his watch. His mother had given him the watch as a high school graduation present only the year before. A simple inscription was engraved on the back: Psalm 90:12.

It had been his late father’s favorite verse and Jeff hadn’t had to look it up: “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.”

The loudest and last sonic boom Jeff would ever hear shattered the silence. And the windows. And the planet.

Einstein told us that God doesn’t play dice with the universe, Jeff thought just before he died. But he does play billiards.

Fiction: Open Mic Night

“And next up for Open Mic Night at Barney’s Cantina is … whoa! I have no idea how to pronounce this person’s name. Just give a big hand to whoever this is and maybe she’ll tell you.”

A light shower of applause greeted the young woman as she took the small stage in the bar and grill. A couple of men whistled at her and she looked in their direction and smiled.

She was about 5 foot 5 with long, wavy blonde hair and a perfect hourglass figure. The top three buttons on her blouse were unbuttoned and she seemed to enjoy leaning forward just a bit. Her skirt was short enough to attract equal attention.

“Good evening, Barney’s!” she called, and was rewarded with cheers and more whistles. “My name is Mwffu Tywnx, but you can call me Muffy if it’s easier. Not like we’re going to get to know each other real well anyway … as my people are going to conquer the Earth tomorrow and enslave every last one of you.”

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Fiction: Wish Fulfillment

The apartment door opened and closed. Emily set her purse down and hung her coat on the hook. When she walked into the living room she stopped cold at the sight of an unfamiliar woman sitting in the rocking chair.

The woman looked down at the cat in her lap. “See? I told you she’d be home soon.” She looked up at Emily. “I haven’t been here long, Ms. Ware; just long enough for Ribbons to get comfortable.”

“Who are you?” Emily asked.

“Please don’t be frightened, Ms. Ware. I’m here to help you.” And she smiled a friendly little smile. “My name is Paula.”

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Fiction: The Master of Rusbridge Manor

Dr. Sir Jonas Clark Sheppy stood on the balcony of Rusbridge Hall as the sun set and reveled in being master of all he surveyed.

Well, to the river, anyway, he amended. His neighbor’s property began on the other side of the bank. Still, Rusbridge Manor was a pleasant piece of land, complete with tenant farmers working the acres surrounding the demensne. Sheppy had purchased the manor from the Rusbridge family, which had fallen on hard times due to the riotous style of living its last heir had finally fallen victim to.

There was also, he recalled sourly, some question as to how much the master of the manor he really was. Not quite out of sight was the corner of a barn, almost as ancient as the hall itself. Sheppy didn’t think much of the barn and had voiced his thoughts on it to his estate manager, Pocock.

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Fiction: The Fatted Calf

Long, long ago, a rabbi told a story about a selfish young man who demanded his share of his father’s wealth and spent it in riotous living. When the money was spent and hard times came, the young man went home to beg his father for a place as a hired hand. The father was overjoyed that his son had returned and had a feast prepared in the youth’s honor.

But the rabbi did not tell the whole story, for reasons that will become clear…

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Fiction: Bright as a Blade

Keith imagined himself into a castle, a sword in his hand, fighting. His masked opponent wielded a surgically sharp blade that came ever nearer to Keith. Keith’s brother, Stephen, was trying to get away but was hampered by his injury.

The swordsman pressed his attack, laughing behind his mask. “You cannot hold me off, and you cannot possibly escape my steel.” He made good his words; the sword pierced Keith’s abdomen and opened the flesh from front to back. “And your brother is next.”

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Fiction: Nobody’s Dummy

“Heh? And you call me the dummy!”

The audience roared at the familiar line and the ventriloquist and his dummy both took a bow and skittered offstage.

“Ervin Erskine and Enos, ladies and gentlemen!” Mr. Stedman reminded the theater’s patrons. “And now…”

Ervin had no interest in the rest of the vaudeville show. He walked as far as he could and still be in the building and let gravity place him on a chair. He let his dummy fall to the floor, briefly heedless of whether its nose would be damaged. His chin fell to his chest and he stared morosely at the dark floor.

“The applause doesn’t do it for you anymore, does it, Ervin?”

“No, Irene, it doesn’t. I don’t give two hoots about the applause.”

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